Monday, 4 January 2010

HA HA. He definately looks better in the outfits than she does.

Fight For This Love - The Re-Make from Gareth Mason on Vimeo.

This Cheryl Cole, Fight For This Love spoof is brilliant. BRILLIANT I TELL YOU. I like it when he gets his nipple out. Watch + Laugh.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Its time! To face! The music!

Final night! And somehow, using exactly the same tension-setting devices, the voice over man has managed to make tonight seem EVEN MORE exciting than all the other saturday nights. I am quite literally quivering with excitement.
Dermot greets us with his twirl and tells us our X Factor final starts right here. Excellent.
We are now being greeted by the contestents home towns where there are crowds of screaming girls with predictable banners and a 'celebrity' who wasn't quite good enough to make it to the actual studio so is forced to stand outside in the cold with an insane smile plastered on their face pretending they do not want to throw a grenade into the pile of screeching fans.
Judges. I thoroughly enjoy watching Cheryl hobble down the steps clutching Simon's arm in her ridiculously impractical but 'glamorous' mermaid dress. Dannii has again chosen to go back a few decades 'hair-wise', and opted for that primary school, slicked-back-with-a-scrunchie look.

Goody. We get to see a new and improved version of their audition song. I can hardly wait.
Stacey is first. When she goes home she gives her son Zachary a kiss with the aid of the much appreciated slow-mo- thats about 2 million votes right there.
She is singing 'Wonderful World', one of my favourite songs, however whilst Stacey sings I find myself drifting into the land of Zzz's. What an EXCITING start to the show. *Simon sends text to producer demanding all other performances are performed wearing a suit of fire that must be wrestled off whilst singing to avoid permanent disfiguation*
Back to Stacey. Guess what? Judges bloody loved it.
Dannii manages to slip in another mention of SWEET LITTLE ZACH. I commend their effort.
Oh and here we go, Dermot is crossing over to Dagenham. There is a lot of shouting going on and my weekend in Dagenham is being cancelled as we speak.


Olly's up next and I must admit I am looking forward to this performance as it is the song Superstition and I believe the moment he sung the line '...suuuuuffer-ered...' in his audition, was the moment I feel into deep lust with Olly Murs.
They are back in Essex and Simon is critiquing Olly's Mum's Angel Delight. Cheeky Simon.
Simon even sneaks in a 'Simon hearts Olly' moment and we all feel we are intruding on an inappropriatly private moment.
Olly is well equipped with his they-seemed-to-like-it-so-thats-all-i'll-do dancing.
He had a tumble! But it was hardly recognisable because a 'Woah!' from Olly is hardly a rare occurance.
Olly then gets a lovely view of a line of girls bottoms when he slides underneath them. I feel a little as if he has just violated them. However, fabulous performance and thats one out of three of tonights entertaining performances done and dusted. (No, not the three contestents, Olly is doing three performances.)
Crossing over to Colchester and Olly's football mates give him some 'sincere' words of support but look thoroughly out of place being people that would normally be campaigning for RATM FOR CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONE.

Joe McEllderry. I may as well accept it, he's going to win and render this whole series pointless.
Joe and Cheryl get to go back to the place that connects them, Newcastle! Did you know?
Many clips of female members of the McEllderry family wiping their eyes. I might take a toliet trip before I break down as a result of how beautiful and emotional this is. ITS GEORDIE JOE, JUST LOOK AT HOW CUTE HIS SMILE IS AND YOU'LL START WEEPING.
'Dance with my Father again'. Let me predict, Joe will sing it note perfectly, he will clench his fists in an attempt to convey 'passion', and the Judges will heartily applaud him on how lovely he is.
Oh look. I was right.


Time for the Duets!
Stacey is singing with Michael Buble. She starts the performance on her own and I am left complimenting her dress before Michael comes out and helps me to enjoy the performance.
He is looking rather dapper. I think I speak for every women in the country when I say MR BUBLE CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?
That was an excellent performance but to be fair, I feel that was mostly down to Michael Buble. I mean, if he came out and duetted with Louis Walsh we would all be gushing and fainting and picking up the phone for Louis to win the X Factor 2009.

Olly and Robbie!
Oh no, Robbie has already mucked up. It seems clear that Robbie, drugs and X Factor are not a good mix. Olly tries to cover up his you-nearly-ruined-this-for-me-you-bastard face.
But by the end we are witnessing a beautiful bromance.

And now its the big one. Securing Joe's place at the top of the charts this Christmas. George Michael.
There does not seem to be much chemisty between the pair of them. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. Joe is looking at George like a lost puppy.
George Michael shows himself to be A BIT OF A DICK by saying '...and then they have to meet people like us'. People like you? No comment.


Round three and they are singing their best songs from the series. It seems they have run out of ideas so are boring us with performances we have already seen.

Stacey is wearing Cheryl's dress from last weekend and I can feel an enormously Leona-esque performance  coming on. Spot light, lucious locks, OTT dress, big notes and of course a shower of sparks. I would not be comfortable with standing under millions of sparks with that much hair spray on.

Olly is doing EXACTLY the same performance as on Week 2, with a Tina Turner song, right down to the same costumes for himself and all the dancers. I do not believe that a money making machine like the X Factor can be running low on the old budget.
The camera man managed to miss the crotch thursting. I am so outraged I am going to right a complaint.

Last up is Joe again. Cue the tears from Cheryl.
I joke about how Joe bores me, but literally I am sitting here staring at the insides of my eyelids.

Phew-y! Its over! Let us all pick up our phones and vote for the person we think would make the best winner. ONLY KIDDING. Lets all just vote for Joe.


Robbie is performing and I am interested to see whether he cocks it up at all.
It is all going smoothly so far except for all the annoying 'knowing' nods he keeps giving the camera. I do not think he has the right to give such an arrogant performance given his previous FAILURES on this programme.


The moment of truth! And we all have to endure that few seconds when the spot light in only on Dermot and there is LITERALLY NO WHERE ELSE TO LOOK.
Its alright, all the contestents and their mentors are out now and we get to have a chuckle at Joe practically carrying Cheryl onto the stage.
In no particular order! OLLY. Finally something good has come out of the british public. I commend you all.
Joe is resting his head on Cheryl's bosom because this may be his last chance and he might as well grab it while he can.
Joe's through! Stacey's out!
She is gracious and proud of coming third. Yes, third is good Stacey. But taking into account previous years third place contestants I wouldn't get your hopes up. Eoghan Quigg anyone?

See you tomorrow night when we'll get to do this all over again. Holy crap.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

The semi-final results are in!

Its 7:30 and I am awaiting the moment Dermot O'Leary appears on my television screen. How very exciting, 7:30, they sure are mixing it up tonight. I can hardly wait for what they must have in store...
Oh yeah. Lady Gaga making me want to slit my wrists, because lets face it, that would be less painful.
And Janet Jackson shamelessly reaping yet more benefits of her brothers death. How very noble and brave of her.
Oh and not forgetting the inevitable failure of one of our contestents. I wonder who it will be, perhaps Danyl, the man you all hate for no specific reason except the fact that he is TOO BLOODY GOOD.

Here we go. The X Factor producers have managed to make last nights events seem thrilling with the use of the voice over man (at the beginning of the series I loved him as much as the next guy, now, however, he makes me want to shoot the TV with a bazooka), some carefully edited clips and the use of 'exciting' sound effects. Bravo.
Dermots out! I'm pretty sure he wears the same thing every week.
Here come the Judges. Cheryl is wearing a black cape. My dear, I do not think it is a good idea to try to rival Lady Gaga in the 'ooh, I'm so quirky' fashion department. She will probably appear on stage wearing nothing but a pair of ski googles and a Cadbury's advent calender covering her lady parts with the aid of some mint green tinsel.

The group song. The contestants are beautifully miming along to a backing track. Good idea Simon, start as they mean to go on. Joe does sound suspiciously out of place and slightly like a lady, but I blame the song. Give him Elton John and we'll be laughing.
Olly is looking sexy and now that I officially fancy him every bad word I have said about him was a lie. (I am joshing, I would never be that fickle) (ahem).

Its time for Lady Gaga. I reach for the cushion that I only use in times of great need (an operation on FlashForward, torture scenes on 24, Dermot's interview with Lady Gaga). 
Oh no, oh no oh no oh no. Its worse than I could have imagined. Dermot has approached the Lady herself and she is persisting to play dead with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. This is excrutiating.

Janet's up and she's looking larger than life. Miming granted, but what did we expect? She's an old lady now and with all that running and skipping around the stage I'm surprised she hasn't keeled over on the floor, IMAGINE WHAT HER SINGING SOUNDS LIKE! Its better for all of us, honestly.
Ha! Dermot has finally learned from all the horrible interviews he has done on this series it would be best just not to talk to them at all. It has taken 9 weeks but we got there in the end. Good decision, I think we all agree. 

Its the moment of truth. This is probably the most nervous I have been since the dentist stuck a needle in my gum.
Olly's through. Good choice.
Next is Joe, COURSE IT IS.
Remember this is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER.
So its between Danyl and Stacey. Oh, and its Stacey that goes through and Danyl is leaving the competition.
Fan-bloody-tastic *goes onto twitter to write in capitals and use expletives*.

So Final night next week and boy are we in for a treat. Er...
When Simon said on the Xtra Factor that the duet line-up will be 'the best yet', I thought 'Phew!', its not going be be as mind numbingly dull as I had previously anticipated.
But no, Simon lied to us. I have since found out: we have Robbie Williams (been there, done that), Michael Buble (see previous statement) and George Michael (sound more exciting? HE'S SINGING WITH JOE. I think we may have just entered Cringe City).

See you next week you lovely bunch.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Jacko Week Commentary.

Semi-final night! Montage of 'why they deserve to be in the final'. Many mentions of 'Its my dream', 'The battle is on', 'This means everything to me', 'I don't want it to end'. My head is dangerously close to the oven.

Dermot springs out. Our X Factor weekend starts right here. I cannot avoid the fact that he persists to state the obvious every week. WE KNOW DERM, WE SWITCHED THE TELLY ON WITH THE INTENTION OF WATCHING THE X FACTOR. Dermot's legs look as if they wont bend, hes kicking the air in the way that I kick a football. Shitly.
The Judges bless our eyes with their sparkly goodness. Cheryl's lucious locks are gone. Dannii is wearing robes again, this time red, and looks suspiously like she's raided a monks wardrobe. Wardrobe are choking Simon with a tie again, I'm not a fan of that look, go back to the chest hair extravaganza Simon WE LOVE IT.

Simon introduces Olly. We relive the moment Olly makes a complete tit of himself, 'I think you can tell from my reaction how much it meant to me', er just a touch. Simon has hopped on the outrageous fashion bandwagon with ANOTHER different style choice. A grey round-neck top. Oh Simon, we can barely control our excitement.
Olly's singing 'Can you feel it?'. He's wearing white skinny jeans. They must have been running low on the costume budget when they decided to rummage through Jedward's costume box. Shame they didn't go for the Britney costumes. Would I be right in thinking that every single one of Olly's performances will be a mixture of licking his lips, over-head clapping in an effort to get-the-audience-going and the not-so-occasional 'Hey!'?
Judges loved the performance. Dannii made a comment about Olly's package; star quality package and GENITAL package. I'm glad someone did. Whenever they use the phrase 'You've got the whole package' I am uncontrollable with immature giggles.

Joe McElderry. We are graced with a lovely montage of many warbling notes from the man himself.
He's sitting on some steps and wearing a safe white shirt and jeans. Damn, what the hell can I make fun of about a bloody shirt and jeans? Camera cuts to Cheryl, she looks like she's going to cry. Go on Cheryl, that'll get the votes. Ooh, he's even got his own Westlife-esque stool, I'm just waiting for the air grab and key change.
"You absolutely made it your own" says Louis. He'll probably say the same to Lady GaGa tomorrow singing Bad Romance. SHUT UP.
All the judges are gushing as usual. I am so bored, I might google Alan Titchmarsh.

Danni and 'The Voice'. Its Stacey bloody Solomen. As soon as she starts talking I am at a bit of a loss as to why Dannii refers to her as 'The Voice'. Irony?
Shameless use of her son as a barganing chip to get votes.
Stacey is wearing a stupid hat and seems to have left her trousers in the dressing room. How embarrassing. However, I am so jealous of her legs I may have to cut my own off as an act of protest. SHE HAS MADE IT ACROSS THE CHAIRS. Well done Stacey, evidently not only can she walk. She can walk across chairs. She is now already a winner to me.
Judges are not huge fans of the performance, it apparently 'wasn't her'. Simon said she had too much to concentrate on so her vocals suffered. I feel that due to this lack of multi-tasking ability she should not win. I am sure I am alone is this.

DanYl Johnson is up. Finally something to lift this BORINGNESS. Ooh we get a little clip of the first audition *implodes with glee*. He is also singing my favourite Jacko song. Get ready for some gushing people.
There is a polor bear on the screen behind him. A polor bear. Surely that must be a hilarious mistake.
The judges are talking about the polor bear, this starts Louis on climate change. Surreal.
It is distracting from Danyl's performance, which was, may I just say, fantastic. When he threw his mike in only the way Danyl can I almost exploded. DANYL'S BACK BABY. He was even given the perfect use of a Jesus Light. What more could you wish for?
Danyl flashes us his scary smile in an attempt to get more votes. I'd stick to crying if was you Danyl darling.

Voting lines are OPEN. Cue every over 60 in the country spending the entirity of their pension voting for Joe.


Simon welcomes back Olly. They are now singing a random song 'that will get them to the final'. 'This song could change my life forever' says Olly: buttox clenchingly cringey.
There is a great deal of body locking going on. I am impressed at Olly's ability to make every song he sings EXACTLY THE SAME, quite a talent I think you'll agree.

Next up its Geordie Joe. Now, I wonder what kind of a song Joe will be singing. Is it at all possible that he will be singing a ballad? Perhaps even with a big note at the end that gives Cheryl 'goosebumps all over her body'?
Oh, yes, yes it is.
He's even standing on a perspex box. And now sparks are falling down. How very beautiful and predictable.

Stace. I need not say anything about the VT. ITS HER BLOODY DREAM ALRIGHT SO VOTE DAMN IT. Booooooooored.
The stage is covered in dry ice. She is wearing a nice dress. She sings it very well with lots of big notes and lots of claps from Dannii. She goes out of tune on the second to last note. But who cares right 'coz its Dangenham Stace.

Ads. Those scheming X Factor producers leaving Danyl till the end so everyone is forced to sit through it all in a state of stunned boredom.

Thank goodness for Danyl. He cries at the end of his VT. If that was any other contestent I would tell them to GET A GRIP. But seeing as it is Danyl I will say, DON'T CRY BABE.
Singing Whitney Houston. There are those fountain fireworks on stage that everyone endures on firework night to humour grandparents until it gets to the big bangy ones.
Louis tells Danyl he 'hopes everyone votes'. Louis don't say that, now no ones going to vote! Holy crap. Next week is going to be torturous.

And thats it. See you tomorrow night. 

Thursday, 3 December 2009

My wish is their command!

You may remember last week I posted a feature about this years winners song. It was rumoured to be Journey's Don't Stop Believin', but it has since been confirmed that this years winners single will, in fact, be Miley Cyrus'/Hannah Montana's/Who-Gives-A-Shit's The Climb.
My preferred choice I must admit. I realise this is a little shameful but I believe the X Factor christmas number one just wouldn't be quite right without that necessary element of cheese.
However, having said that, if Joe turns out to be the winner (which worryingly seems to be becoming more and more likely) it will be disasterous. One of those songs that is endurable with only the aid of a couple ibuprofen to help the pain go away for the first 2 times you hear it on Captital. Once we are on to the third day, however, and have heard it a grand total of 14738 times we may need something stronger. Does E-bay sell shot guns? Because the will to live has just evaporated.

Jacko week this Saturday! And Janet Jackson performing on Sunday. Good to see she is still reaping the full benefits of her brothers death.
My excitement has expectedly decreased since the depature of Jedward, and now I don't even have anyone who gives me an acceptable excuse to be horrible (ahem Lloyd).
But never fear, I'm sure, come Saturday, I will have thought of copious reasons not to like everybody.
Jacko week is a good theme, however, am I right in thinking we should be expecting something along the lines of Earth Song for Joe...?! With a lovely warble and twist of the head to finish off with a high note.Cannot bloody wait.
One thing I can't wait for: crotch grabbing is A GO for Olly *regains composure*.

I will leave you now with a funny video. Everyone loves the voice-over man. I genuinely feel the only fair outcome this year would be for him to TALK the winners song and be crowned 'King of the Jungle'.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

JedWatch - you guuuuuys.

Jedward have graced the pages of Heat this week, and golly didn't they look snazzy?
The twins mostly chatted to Heats Lucy Cave about girls but didn't exclude those hot topics; their hair, and 'being deep'.
They believe girls think life is like The Notebook or Laguna Beach, this may be true, but I feel the real point of interest here is the fact that they even know what the hell Laguna Beach is. I take my nonexistent hat off to you, you are boys in a million.
They confessed that they do not enjoy 'clingy' girls. Also on their list of requirements are: does her own thing, is cool, sensitive, humble, knows who she is. So girls, we need to become aloof, always sober and without any trace of mental illness (reference to 'knows who she is'), date them but never need to date them (and when I say 'them' I mean one or other you sick people) and be completely out of their league (no offence Jed). I'll get right on it.

In a feature called 'WHO'S DEEPER, JOHN OR EDWARD?' the twins came up with some comments that can only be described as HIL-FLIPPIN'-ARIOUS.
When asked 'What keeps you awake at night' John replied: 'Sometimes I have an uncomfortable pillow and I think, 'Oh my God.'. Yes John, an uncomfortable pillow is definately an Oh my God moment.
Edward really took the bacon though with his description of 'love' being when two people 'like a really cool dog'. I agree. What I look for in a man is a similar taste in the Canine family.

Now, I don't have the new edition of Grazia magazine (that, I'm sure, will be remedied tomorrow), but there is a feature on Jedward 'LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE'.
Are you feeling the excitement?
Heres a sneek peak.