Its 7:30 and I am awaiting the moment Dermot O'Leary appears on my television screen. How very exciting, 7:30, they sure are mixing it up tonight. I can hardly wait for what they must have in store...
Oh yeah. Lady Gaga making me want to slit my wrists, because lets face it, that would be less painful.
And Janet Jackson shamelessly reaping yet more benefits of her brothers death. How very noble and brave of her.
Oh and not forgetting the inevitable failure of one of our contestents. I wonder who it will be, perhaps Danyl, the man you all hate for no specific reason except the fact that he is TOO BLOODY GOOD.
Here we go. The X Factor producers have managed to make last nights events seem thrilling with the use of the voice over man (at the beginning of the series I loved him as much as the next guy, now, however, he makes me want to shoot the TV with a bazooka), some carefully edited clips and the use of 'exciting' sound effects. Bravo.
Dermots out! I'm pretty sure he wears the same thing every week.
Here come the Judges. Cheryl is wearing a black cape. My dear, I do not think it is a good idea to try to rival Lady Gaga in the 'ooh, I'm so quirky' fashion department. She will probably appear on stage wearing nothing but a pair of ski googles and a Cadbury's advent calender covering her lady parts with the aid of some mint green tinsel.
The group song. The contestants are beautifully miming along to a backing track. Good idea Simon, start as they mean to go on. Joe does sound suspiciously out of place and slightly like a lady, but I blame the song. Give him Elton John and we'll be laughing.
Olly is looking sexy and now that I officially fancy him every bad word I have said about him was a lie. (I am joshing, I would never be that fickle) (ahem).
Its time for Lady Gaga. I reach for the cushion that I only use in times of great need (an operation on FlashForward, torture scenes on 24, Dermot's interview with Lady Gaga).
She's in a bath. OF COURSE SHE'S IN A BATH, SHE'S QUIRKY DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
Oh no, oh no oh no oh no. Its worse than I could have imagined. Dermot has approached the Lady herself and she is persisting to play dead with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. This is excrutiating.
Janet's up and she's looking larger than life. Miming granted, but what did we expect? She's an old lady now and with all that running and skipping around the stage I'm surprised she hasn't keeled over on the floor, IMAGINE WHAT HER SINGING SOUNDS LIKE! Its better for all of us, honestly.
Ha! Dermot has finally learned from all the horrible interviews he has done on this series it would be best just not to talk to them at all. It has taken 9 weeks but we got there in the end. Good decision, I think we all agree.
Its the moment of truth. This is probably the most nervous I have been since the dentist stuck a needle in my gum.
Olly's through. Good choice.
Next is Joe, COURSE IT IS.
Remember this is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER.
So its between Danyl and Stacey. Oh, and its Stacey that goes through and Danyl is leaving the competition.
Fan-bloody-tastic *goes onto twitter to write in capitals and use expletives*.
So Final night next week and boy are we in for a treat. Er...
When Simon said on the Xtra Factor that the duet line-up will be 'the best yet', I thought 'Phew!', its not going be be as mind numbingly dull as I had previously anticipated.
But no, Simon lied to us. I have since found out: we have Robbie Williams (been there, done that), Michael Buble (see previous statement) and George Michael (sound more exciting? HE'S SINGING WITH JOE. I think we may have just entered Cringe City).
HOWEVER! JEDWARD ARE GOING TO BE BACK BABY.
See you next week you lovely bunch.