Final night! And somehow, using exactly the same tension-setting devices, the voice over man has managed to make tonight seem EVEN MORE exciting than all the other saturday nights. I am quite literally quivering with excitement.
Dermot greets us with his twirl and tells us our X Factor final starts right here. Excellent.
We are now being greeted by the contestents home towns where there are crowds of screaming girls with predictable banners and a 'celebrity' who wasn't quite good enough to make it to the actual studio so is forced to stand outside in the cold with an insane smile plastered on their face pretending they do not want to throw a grenade into the pile of screeching fans.
Judges. I thoroughly enjoy watching Cheryl hobble down the steps clutching Simon's arm in her ridiculously impractical but 'glamorous' mermaid dress. Dannii has again chosen to go back a few decades 'hair-wise', and opted for that primary school, slicked-back-with-a-scrunchie look.
Goody. We get to see a new and improved version of their audition song. I can hardly wait.
BUT NOT BEFORE THE TAKING-MY-MENTOR-TO-SEE-MY-DEPRIVED-LIFE VT.
Stacey is first. When she goes home she gives her son Zachary a kiss with the aid of the much appreciated slow-mo- thats about 2 million votes right there.
She is singing 'Wonderful World', one of my favourite songs, however whilst Stacey sings I find myself drifting into the land of Zzz's. What an EXCITING start to the show. *Simon sends text to producer demanding all other performances are performed wearing a suit of fire that must be wrestled off whilst singing to avoid permanent disfiguation*
Back to Stacey. Guess what? Judges bloody loved it.
Dannii manages to slip in another mention of SWEET LITTLE ZACH. I commend their effort.
Oh and here we go, Dermot is crossing over to Dagenham. There is a lot of shouting going on and my weekend in Dagenham is being cancelled as we speak.
Olly's up next and I must admit I am looking forward to this performance as it is the song Superstition and I believe the moment he sung the line '...suuuuuffer-ered...' in his audition, was the moment I feel into deep lust with Olly Murs.
They are back in Essex and Simon is critiquing Olly's Mum's Angel Delight. Cheeky Simon.
Simon even sneaks in a 'Simon hearts Olly' moment and we all feel we are intruding on an inappropriatly private moment.
Olly is well equipped with his they-seemed-to-like-it-so-thats-all-i'll-do dancing.
He had a tumble! But it was hardly recognisable because a 'Woah!' from Olly is hardly a rare occurance.
Olly then gets a lovely view of a line of girls bottoms when he slides underneath them. I feel a little as if he has just violated them. However, fabulous performance and thats one out of three of tonights entertaining performances done and dusted. (No, not the three contestents, Olly is doing three performances.)
Crossing over to Colchester and Olly's football mates give him some 'sincere' words of support but look thoroughly out of place being people that would normally be campaigning for RATM FOR CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONE.
Joe McEllderry. I may as well accept it, he's going to win and render this whole series pointless.
Joe and Cheryl get to go back to the place that connects them, Newcastle! Did you know?
Many clips of female members of the McEllderry family wiping their eyes. I might take a toliet trip before I break down as a result of how beautiful and emotional this is. ITS GEORDIE JOE, JUST LOOK AT HOW CUTE HIS SMILE IS AND YOU'LL START WEEPING.
'Dance with my Father again'. Let me predict, Joe will sing it note perfectly, he will clench his fists in an attempt to convey 'passion', and the Judges will heartily applaud him on how lovely he is.
Oh look. I was right.
Time for the Duets!
Stacey is singing with Michael Buble. She starts the performance on her own and I am left complimenting her dress before Michael comes out and helps me to enjoy the performance.
He is looking rather dapper. I think I speak for every women in the country when I say MR BUBLE CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?
That was an excellent performance but to be fair, I feel that was mostly down to Michael Buble. I mean, if he came out and duetted with Louis Walsh we would all be gushing and fainting and picking up the phone for Louis to win the X Factor 2009.
Olly and Robbie!
Oh no, Robbie has already mucked up. It seems clear that Robbie, drugs and X Factor are not a good mix. Olly tries to cover up his you-nearly-ruined-this-for-me-you-bastard face.
But by the end we are witnessing a beautiful bromance.
And now its the big one. Securing Joe's place at the top of the charts this Christmas. George Michael.
There does not seem to be much chemisty between the pair of them. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. Joe is looking at George like a lost puppy.
George Michael shows himself to be A BIT OF A DICK by saying '...and then they have to meet people like us'. People like you? No comment.
Round three and they are singing their best songs from the series. It seems they have run out of ideas so are boring us with performances we have already seen.
Stacey is wearing Cheryl's dress from last weekend and I can feel an enormously Leona-esque performance coming on. Spot light, lucious locks, OTT dress, big notes and of course a shower of sparks. I would not be comfortable with standing under millions of sparks with that much hair spray on.
Olly is doing EXACTLY the same performance as on Week 2, with a Tina Turner song, right down to the same costumes for himself and all the dancers. I do not believe that a money making machine like the X Factor can be running low on the old budget.
The camera man managed to miss the crotch thursting. I am so outraged I am going to right a complaint.
Last up is Joe again. Cue the tears from Cheryl.
I joke about how Joe bores me, but literally I am sitting here staring at the insides of my eyelids.
Phew-y! Its over! Let us all pick up our phones and vote for the person we think would make the best winner. ONLY KIDDING. Lets all just vote for Joe.
Robbie is performing and I am interested to see whether he cocks it up at all.
It is all going smoothly so far except for all the annoying 'knowing' nods he keeps giving the camera. I do not think he has the right to give such an arrogant performance given his previous FAILURES on this programme.
The moment of truth! And we all have to endure that few seconds when the spot light in only on Dermot and there is LITERALLY NO WHERE ELSE TO LOOK.
Its alright, all the contestents and their mentors are out now and we get to have a chuckle at Joe practically carrying Cheryl onto the stage.
In no particular order! OLLY. Finally something good has come out of the british public. I commend you all.
Joe is resting his head on Cheryl's bosom because this may be his last chance and he might as well grab it while he can.
Joe's through! Stacey's out!
She is gracious and proud of coming third. Yes, third is good Stacey. But taking into account previous years third place contestants I wouldn't get your hopes up. Eoghan Quigg anyone?
See you tomorrow night when we'll get to do this all over again. Holy crap.