Monday, 7 December 2009

Jacko Week Commentary.

Semi-final night! Montage of 'why they deserve to be in the final'. Many mentions of 'Its my dream', 'The battle is on', 'This means everything to me', 'I don't want it to end'. My head is dangerously close to the oven.

Dermot springs out. Our X Factor weekend starts right here. I cannot avoid the fact that he persists to state the obvious every week. WE KNOW DERM, WE SWITCHED THE TELLY ON WITH THE INTENTION OF WATCHING THE X FACTOR. Dermot's legs look as if they wont bend, hes kicking the air in the way that I kick a football. Shitly.
The Judges bless our eyes with their sparkly goodness. Cheryl's lucious locks are gone. Dannii is wearing robes again, this time red, and looks suspiously like she's raided a monks wardrobe. Wardrobe are choking Simon with a tie again, I'm not a fan of that look, go back to the chest hair extravaganza Simon WE LOVE IT.

Simon introduces Olly. We relive the moment Olly makes a complete tit of himself, 'I think you can tell from my reaction how much it meant to me', er just a touch. Simon has hopped on the outrageous fashion bandwagon with ANOTHER different style choice. A grey round-neck top. Oh Simon, we can barely control our excitement.
Olly's singing 'Can you feel it?'. He's wearing white skinny jeans. They must have been running low on the costume budget when they decided to rummage through Jedward's costume box. Shame they didn't go for the Britney costumes. Would I be right in thinking that every single one of Olly's performances will be a mixture of licking his lips, over-head clapping in an effort to get-the-audience-going and the not-so-occasional 'Hey!'?
Judges loved the performance. Dannii made a comment about Olly's package; star quality package and GENITAL package. I'm glad someone did. Whenever they use the phrase 'You've got the whole package' I am uncontrollable with immature giggles.

Joe McElderry. We are graced with a lovely montage of many warbling notes from the man himself.
He's sitting on some steps and wearing a safe white shirt and jeans. Damn, what the hell can I make fun of about a bloody shirt and jeans? Camera cuts to Cheryl, she looks like she's going to cry. Go on Cheryl, that'll get the votes. Ooh, he's even got his own Westlife-esque stool, I'm just waiting for the air grab and key change.
"You absolutely made it your own" says Louis. He'll probably say the same to Lady GaGa tomorrow singing Bad Romance. SHUT UP.
All the judges are gushing as usual. I am so bored, I might google Alan Titchmarsh.

Danni and 'The Voice'. Its Stacey bloody Solomen. As soon as she starts talking I am at a bit of a loss as to why Dannii refers to her as 'The Voice'. Irony?
Shameless use of her son as a barganing chip to get votes.
Stacey is wearing a stupid hat and seems to have left her trousers in the dressing room. How embarrassing. However, I am so jealous of her legs I may have to cut my own off as an act of protest. SHE HAS MADE IT ACROSS THE CHAIRS. Well done Stacey, evidently not only can she walk. She can walk across chairs. She is now already a winner to me.
Judges are not huge fans of the performance, it apparently 'wasn't her'. Simon said she had too much to concentrate on so her vocals suffered. I feel that due to this lack of multi-tasking ability she should not win. I am sure I am alone is this.

DanYl Johnson is up. Finally something to lift this BORINGNESS. Ooh we get a little clip of the first audition *implodes with glee*. He is also singing my favourite Jacko song. Get ready for some gushing people.
There is a polor bear on the screen behind him. A polor bear. Surely that must be a hilarious mistake.
The judges are talking about the polor bear, this starts Louis on climate change. Surreal.
It is distracting from Danyl's performance, which was, may I just say, fantastic. When he threw his mike in only the way Danyl can I almost exploded. DANYL'S BACK BABY. He was even given the perfect use of a Jesus Light. What more could you wish for?
Danyl flashes us his scary smile in an attempt to get more votes. I'd stick to crying if was you Danyl darling.

Voting lines are OPEN. Cue every over 60 in the country spending the entirity of their pension voting for Joe.


Simon welcomes back Olly. They are now singing a random song 'that will get them to the final'. 'This song could change my life forever' says Olly: buttox clenchingly cringey.
There is a great deal of body locking going on. I am impressed at Olly's ability to make every song he sings EXACTLY THE SAME, quite a talent I think you'll agree.

Next up its Geordie Joe. Now, I wonder what kind of a song Joe will be singing. Is it at all possible that he will be singing a ballad? Perhaps even with a big note at the end that gives Cheryl 'goosebumps all over her body'?
Oh, yes, yes it is.
He's even standing on a perspex box. And now sparks are falling down. How very beautiful and predictable.

Stace. I need not say anything about the VT. ITS HER BLOODY DREAM ALRIGHT SO VOTE DAMN IT. Booooooooored.
The stage is covered in dry ice. She is wearing a nice dress. She sings it very well with lots of big notes and lots of claps from Dannii. She goes out of tune on the second to last note. But who cares right 'coz its Dangenham Stace.

Ads. Those scheming X Factor producers leaving Danyl till the end so everyone is forced to sit through it all in a state of stunned boredom.

Thank goodness for Danyl. He cries at the end of his VT. If that was any other contestent I would tell them to GET A GRIP. But seeing as it is Danyl I will say, DON'T CRY BABE.
Singing Whitney Houston. There are those fountain fireworks on stage that everyone endures on firework night to humour grandparents until it gets to the big bangy ones.
Louis tells Danyl he 'hopes everyone votes'. Louis don't say that, now no ones going to vote! Holy crap. Next week is going to be torturous.

And thats it. See you tomorrow night. 

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