Sunday, 20 December 2009

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Its time! To face! The music!

Final night! And somehow, using exactly the same tension-setting devices, the voice over man has managed to make tonight seem EVEN MORE exciting than all the other saturday nights. I am quite literally quivering with excitement.
Dermot greets us with his twirl and tells us our X Factor final starts right here. Excellent.
We are now being greeted by the contestents home towns where there are crowds of screaming girls with predictable banners and a 'celebrity' who wasn't quite good enough to make it to the actual studio so is forced to stand outside in the cold with an insane smile plastered on their face pretending they do not want to throw a grenade into the pile of screeching fans.
Judges. I thoroughly enjoy watching Cheryl hobble down the steps clutching Simon's arm in her ridiculously impractical but 'glamorous' mermaid dress. Dannii has again chosen to go back a few decades 'hair-wise', and opted for that primary school, slicked-back-with-a-scrunchie look.

Goody. We get to see a new and improved version of their audition song. I can hardly wait.
Stacey is first. When she goes home she gives her son Zachary a kiss with the aid of the much appreciated slow-mo- thats about 2 million votes right there.
She is singing 'Wonderful World', one of my favourite songs, however whilst Stacey sings I find myself drifting into the land of Zzz's. What an EXCITING start to the show. *Simon sends text to producer demanding all other performances are performed wearing a suit of fire that must be wrestled off whilst singing to avoid permanent disfiguation*
Back to Stacey. Guess what? Judges bloody loved it.
Dannii manages to slip in another mention of SWEET LITTLE ZACH. I commend their effort.
Oh and here we go, Dermot is crossing over to Dagenham. There is a lot of shouting going on and my weekend in Dagenham is being cancelled as we speak.


Olly's up next and I must admit I am looking forward to this performance as it is the song Superstition and I believe the moment he sung the line '...suuuuuffer-ered...' in his audition, was the moment I feel into deep lust with Olly Murs.
They are back in Essex and Simon is critiquing Olly's Mum's Angel Delight. Cheeky Simon.
Simon even sneaks in a 'Simon hearts Olly' moment and we all feel we are intruding on an inappropriatly private moment.
Olly is well equipped with his they-seemed-to-like-it-so-thats-all-i'll-do dancing.
He had a tumble! But it was hardly recognisable because a 'Woah!' from Olly is hardly a rare occurance.
Olly then gets a lovely view of a line of girls bottoms when he slides underneath them. I feel a little as if he has just violated them. However, fabulous performance and thats one out of three of tonights entertaining performances done and dusted. (No, not the three contestents, Olly is doing three performances.)
Crossing over to Colchester and Olly's football mates give him some 'sincere' words of support but look thoroughly out of place being people that would normally be campaigning for RATM FOR CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONE.

Joe McEllderry. I may as well accept it, he's going to win and render this whole series pointless.
Joe and Cheryl get to go back to the place that connects them, Newcastle! Did you know?
Many clips of female members of the McEllderry family wiping their eyes. I might take a toliet trip before I break down as a result of how beautiful and emotional this is. ITS GEORDIE JOE, JUST LOOK AT HOW CUTE HIS SMILE IS AND YOU'LL START WEEPING.
'Dance with my Father again'. Let me predict, Joe will sing it note perfectly, he will clench his fists in an attempt to convey 'passion', and the Judges will heartily applaud him on how lovely he is.
Oh look. I was right.


Time for the Duets!
Stacey is singing with Michael Buble. She starts the performance on her own and I am left complimenting her dress before Michael comes out and helps me to enjoy the performance.
He is looking rather dapper. I think I speak for every women in the country when I say MR BUBLE CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?
That was an excellent performance but to be fair, I feel that was mostly down to Michael Buble. I mean, if he came out and duetted with Louis Walsh we would all be gushing and fainting and picking up the phone for Louis to win the X Factor 2009.

Olly and Robbie!
Oh no, Robbie has already mucked up. It seems clear that Robbie, drugs and X Factor are not a good mix. Olly tries to cover up his you-nearly-ruined-this-for-me-you-bastard face.
But by the end we are witnessing a beautiful bromance.

And now its the big one. Securing Joe's place at the top of the charts this Christmas. George Michael.
There does not seem to be much chemisty between the pair of them. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. Joe is looking at George like a lost puppy.
George Michael shows himself to be A BIT OF A DICK by saying '...and then they have to meet people like us'. People like you? No comment.


Round three and they are singing their best songs from the series. It seems they have run out of ideas so are boring us with performances we have already seen.

Stacey is wearing Cheryl's dress from last weekend and I can feel an enormously Leona-esque performance  coming on. Spot light, lucious locks, OTT dress, big notes and of course a shower of sparks. I would not be comfortable with standing under millions of sparks with that much hair spray on.

Olly is doing EXACTLY the same performance as on Week 2, with a Tina Turner song, right down to the same costumes for himself and all the dancers. I do not believe that a money making machine like the X Factor can be running low on the old budget.
The camera man managed to miss the crotch thursting. I am so outraged I am going to right a complaint.

Last up is Joe again. Cue the tears from Cheryl.
I joke about how Joe bores me, but literally I am sitting here staring at the insides of my eyelids.

Phew-y! Its over! Let us all pick up our phones and vote for the person we think would make the best winner. ONLY KIDDING. Lets all just vote for Joe.


Robbie is performing and I am interested to see whether he cocks it up at all.
It is all going smoothly so far except for all the annoying 'knowing' nods he keeps giving the camera. I do not think he has the right to give such an arrogant performance given his previous FAILURES on this programme.


The moment of truth! And we all have to endure that few seconds when the spot light in only on Dermot and there is LITERALLY NO WHERE ELSE TO LOOK.
Its alright, all the contestents and their mentors are out now and we get to have a chuckle at Joe practically carrying Cheryl onto the stage.
In no particular order! OLLY. Finally something good has come out of the british public. I commend you all.
Joe is resting his head on Cheryl's bosom because this may be his last chance and he might as well grab it while he can.
Joe's through! Stacey's out!
She is gracious and proud of coming third. Yes, third is good Stacey. But taking into account previous years third place contestants I wouldn't get your hopes up. Eoghan Quigg anyone?

See you tomorrow night when we'll get to do this all over again. Holy crap.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

The semi-final results are in!

Its 7:30 and I am awaiting the moment Dermot O'Leary appears on my television screen. How very exciting, 7:30, they sure are mixing it up tonight. I can hardly wait for what they must have in store...
Oh yeah. Lady Gaga making me want to slit my wrists, because lets face it, that would be less painful.
And Janet Jackson shamelessly reaping yet more benefits of her brothers death. How very noble and brave of her.
Oh and not forgetting the inevitable failure of one of our contestents. I wonder who it will be, perhaps Danyl, the man you all hate for no specific reason except the fact that he is TOO BLOODY GOOD.

Here we go. The X Factor producers have managed to make last nights events seem thrilling with the use of the voice over man (at the beginning of the series I loved him as much as the next guy, now, however, he makes me want to shoot the TV with a bazooka), some carefully edited clips and the use of 'exciting' sound effects. Bravo.
Dermots out! I'm pretty sure he wears the same thing every week.
Here come the Judges. Cheryl is wearing a black cape. My dear, I do not think it is a good idea to try to rival Lady Gaga in the 'ooh, I'm so quirky' fashion department. She will probably appear on stage wearing nothing but a pair of ski googles and a Cadbury's advent calender covering her lady parts with the aid of some mint green tinsel.

The group song. The contestants are beautifully miming along to a backing track. Good idea Simon, start as they mean to go on. Joe does sound suspiciously out of place and slightly like a lady, but I blame the song. Give him Elton John and we'll be laughing.
Olly is looking sexy and now that I officially fancy him every bad word I have said about him was a lie. (I am joshing, I would never be that fickle) (ahem).

Its time for Lady Gaga. I reach for the cushion that I only use in times of great need (an operation on FlashForward, torture scenes on 24, Dermot's interview with Lady Gaga). 
Oh no, oh no oh no oh no. Its worse than I could have imagined. Dermot has approached the Lady herself and she is persisting to play dead with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. This is excrutiating.

Janet's up and she's looking larger than life. Miming granted, but what did we expect? She's an old lady now and with all that running and skipping around the stage I'm surprised she hasn't keeled over on the floor, IMAGINE WHAT HER SINGING SOUNDS LIKE! Its better for all of us, honestly.
Ha! Dermot has finally learned from all the horrible interviews he has done on this series it would be best just not to talk to them at all. It has taken 9 weeks but we got there in the end. Good decision, I think we all agree. 

Its the moment of truth. This is probably the most nervous I have been since the dentist stuck a needle in my gum.
Olly's through. Good choice.
Next is Joe, COURSE IT IS.
Remember this is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER.
So its between Danyl and Stacey. Oh, and its Stacey that goes through and Danyl is leaving the competition.
Fan-bloody-tastic *goes onto twitter to write in capitals and use expletives*.

So Final night next week and boy are we in for a treat. Er...
When Simon said on the Xtra Factor that the duet line-up will be 'the best yet', I thought 'Phew!', its not going be be as mind numbingly dull as I had previously anticipated.
But no, Simon lied to us. I have since found out: we have Robbie Williams (been there, done that), Michael Buble (see previous statement) and George Michael (sound more exciting? HE'S SINGING WITH JOE. I think we may have just entered Cringe City).

See you next week you lovely bunch.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Jacko Week Commentary.

Semi-final night! Montage of 'why they deserve to be in the final'. Many mentions of 'Its my dream', 'The battle is on', 'This means everything to me', 'I don't want it to end'. My head is dangerously close to the oven.

Dermot springs out. Our X Factor weekend starts right here. I cannot avoid the fact that he persists to state the obvious every week. WE KNOW DERM, WE SWITCHED THE TELLY ON WITH THE INTENTION OF WATCHING THE X FACTOR. Dermot's legs look as if they wont bend, hes kicking the air in the way that I kick a football. Shitly.
The Judges bless our eyes with their sparkly goodness. Cheryl's lucious locks are gone. Dannii is wearing robes again, this time red, and looks suspiously like she's raided a monks wardrobe. Wardrobe are choking Simon with a tie again, I'm not a fan of that look, go back to the chest hair extravaganza Simon WE LOVE IT.

Simon introduces Olly. We relive the moment Olly makes a complete tit of himself, 'I think you can tell from my reaction how much it meant to me', er just a touch. Simon has hopped on the outrageous fashion bandwagon with ANOTHER different style choice. A grey round-neck top. Oh Simon, we can barely control our excitement.
Olly's singing 'Can you feel it?'. He's wearing white skinny jeans. They must have been running low on the costume budget when they decided to rummage through Jedward's costume box. Shame they didn't go for the Britney costumes. Would I be right in thinking that every single one of Olly's performances will be a mixture of licking his lips, over-head clapping in an effort to get-the-audience-going and the not-so-occasional 'Hey!'?
Judges loved the performance. Dannii made a comment about Olly's package; star quality package and GENITAL package. I'm glad someone did. Whenever they use the phrase 'You've got the whole package' I am uncontrollable with immature giggles.

Joe McElderry. We are graced with a lovely montage of many warbling notes from the man himself.
He's sitting on some steps and wearing a safe white shirt and jeans. Damn, what the hell can I make fun of about a bloody shirt and jeans? Camera cuts to Cheryl, she looks like she's going to cry. Go on Cheryl, that'll get the votes. Ooh, he's even got his own Westlife-esque stool, I'm just waiting for the air grab and key change.
"You absolutely made it your own" says Louis. He'll probably say the same to Lady GaGa tomorrow singing Bad Romance. SHUT UP.
All the judges are gushing as usual. I am so bored, I might google Alan Titchmarsh.

Danni and 'The Voice'. Its Stacey bloody Solomen. As soon as she starts talking I am at a bit of a loss as to why Dannii refers to her as 'The Voice'. Irony?
Shameless use of her son as a barganing chip to get votes.
Stacey is wearing a stupid hat and seems to have left her trousers in the dressing room. How embarrassing. However, I am so jealous of her legs I may have to cut my own off as an act of protest. SHE HAS MADE IT ACROSS THE CHAIRS. Well done Stacey, evidently not only can she walk. She can walk across chairs. She is now already a winner to me.
Judges are not huge fans of the performance, it apparently 'wasn't her'. Simon said she had too much to concentrate on so her vocals suffered. I feel that due to this lack of multi-tasking ability she should not win. I am sure I am alone is this.

DanYl Johnson is up. Finally something to lift this BORINGNESS. Ooh we get a little clip of the first audition *implodes with glee*. He is also singing my favourite Jacko song. Get ready for some gushing people.
There is a polor bear on the screen behind him. A polor bear. Surely that must be a hilarious mistake.
The judges are talking about the polor bear, this starts Louis on climate change. Surreal.
It is distracting from Danyl's performance, which was, may I just say, fantastic. When he threw his mike in only the way Danyl can I almost exploded. DANYL'S BACK BABY. He was even given the perfect use of a Jesus Light. What more could you wish for?
Danyl flashes us his scary smile in an attempt to get more votes. I'd stick to crying if was you Danyl darling.

Voting lines are OPEN. Cue every over 60 in the country spending the entirity of their pension voting for Joe.


Simon welcomes back Olly. They are now singing a random song 'that will get them to the final'. 'This song could change my life forever' says Olly: buttox clenchingly cringey.
There is a great deal of body locking going on. I am impressed at Olly's ability to make every song he sings EXACTLY THE SAME, quite a talent I think you'll agree.

Next up its Geordie Joe. Now, I wonder what kind of a song Joe will be singing. Is it at all possible that he will be singing a ballad? Perhaps even with a big note at the end that gives Cheryl 'goosebumps all over her body'?
Oh, yes, yes it is.
He's even standing on a perspex box. And now sparks are falling down. How very beautiful and predictable.

Stace. I need not say anything about the VT. ITS HER BLOODY DREAM ALRIGHT SO VOTE DAMN IT. Booooooooored.
The stage is covered in dry ice. She is wearing a nice dress. She sings it very well with lots of big notes and lots of claps from Dannii. She goes out of tune on the second to last note. But who cares right 'coz its Dangenham Stace.

Ads. Those scheming X Factor producers leaving Danyl till the end so everyone is forced to sit through it all in a state of stunned boredom.

Thank goodness for Danyl. He cries at the end of his VT. If that was any other contestent I would tell them to GET A GRIP. But seeing as it is Danyl I will say, DON'T CRY BABE.
Singing Whitney Houston. There are those fountain fireworks on stage that everyone endures on firework night to humour grandparents until it gets to the big bangy ones.
Louis tells Danyl he 'hopes everyone votes'. Louis don't say that, now no ones going to vote! Holy crap. Next week is going to be torturous.

And thats it. See you tomorrow night. 

Thursday, 3 December 2009

My wish is their command!

You may remember last week I posted a feature about this years winners song. It was rumoured to be Journey's Don't Stop Believin', but it has since been confirmed that this years winners single will, in fact, be Miley Cyrus'/Hannah Montana's/Who-Gives-A-Shit's The Climb.
My preferred choice I must admit. I realise this is a little shameful but I believe the X Factor christmas number one just wouldn't be quite right without that necessary element of cheese.
However, having said that, if Joe turns out to be the winner (which worryingly seems to be becoming more and more likely) it will be disasterous. One of those songs that is endurable with only the aid of a couple ibuprofen to help the pain go away for the first 2 times you hear it on Captital. Once we are on to the third day, however, and have heard it a grand total of 14738 times we may need something stronger. Does E-bay sell shot guns? Because the will to live has just evaporated.

Jacko week this Saturday! And Janet Jackson performing on Sunday. Good to see she is still reaping the full benefits of her brothers death.
My excitement has expectedly decreased since the depature of Jedward, and now I don't even have anyone who gives me an acceptable excuse to be horrible (ahem Lloyd).
But never fear, I'm sure, come Saturday, I will have thought of copious reasons not to like everybody.
Jacko week is a good theme, however, am I right in thinking we should be expecting something along the lines of Earth Song for Joe...?! With a lovely warble and twist of the head to finish off with a high note.Cannot bloody wait.
One thing I can't wait for: crotch grabbing is A GO for Olly *regains composure*.

I will leave you now with a funny video. Everyone loves the voice-over man. I genuinely feel the only fair outcome this year would be for him to TALK the winners song and be crowned 'King of the Jungle'.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

JedWatch - you guuuuuys.

Jedward have graced the pages of Heat this week, and golly didn't they look snazzy?
The twins mostly chatted to Heats Lucy Cave about girls but didn't exclude those hot topics; their hair, and 'being deep'.
They believe girls think life is like The Notebook or Laguna Beach, this may be true, but I feel the real point of interest here is the fact that they even know what the hell Laguna Beach is. I take my nonexistent hat off to you, you are boys in a million.
They confessed that they do not enjoy 'clingy' girls. Also on their list of requirements are: does her own thing, is cool, sensitive, humble, knows who she is. So girls, we need to become aloof, always sober and without any trace of mental illness (reference to 'knows who she is'), date them but never need to date them (and when I say 'them' I mean one or other you sick people) and be completely out of their league (no offence Jed). I'll get right on it.

In a feature called 'WHO'S DEEPER, JOHN OR EDWARD?' the twins came up with some comments that can only be described as HIL-FLIPPIN'-ARIOUS.
When asked 'What keeps you awake at night' John replied: 'Sometimes I have an uncomfortable pillow and I think, 'Oh my God.'. Yes John, an uncomfortable pillow is definately an Oh my God moment.
Edward really took the bacon though with his description of 'love' being when two people 'like a really cool dog'. I agree. What I look for in a man is a similar taste in the Canine family.

Now, I don't have the new edition of Grazia magazine (that, I'm sure, will be remedied tomorrow), but there is a feature on Jedward 'LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE'.
Are you feeling the excitement?
Heres a sneek peak.


Monday, 30 November 2009

Who am I going to hate on now?

The dream is over for Lloyd. Que the violins. And 'best bits' montage.
Best bits though? Really? I'd say best of a bad lot.

In all fairness whenever a contestant leaves I manage to feel a certain amount of sadness (not including Kandy Rain). Credit where credit is due, he was very dignified on hearing the news of his departure and took it well. Lloyd you have shown me up to be a right cow.

Back to business though. FINALLY HES GONE. There was a considerable amount of tension for a moment there though; Lloyd and Olly standing on the dimly lit stage awaiting the moment Dermot would read out one or other of their names.
Upon hearing his same, Olly decided is would be appropraite to show an indecent display of happiness resulting in an awkward moment for all concerned (and all watching) and Lloyd feeling as crap as a badgers arse.

Also on Sunday nights results show:
Alicia Keys performed. She graced our eyes and ears with not one but three of her tracks. I felt truly blessed. However, I did feel she should desist from talking to us tour-style and get on with some singing. She also appeared to have fashioned her red PVC catsuit out of Jedward's 'Oops I did it again' suits.

Rihanna also performed her new single 'Russian Roulette' with a haircut that can only be described as 'a Rachel Adedeji' (sorry Rihanna).

Semi-final next week and am I right in thinking Lady GaGa is performing? Or is that the Final?
Whenever, you are in store for some irritable ranting about the try-hard that is Lady GaGa.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Commentary Blog. Live Show 8.

Its Elton John/Take-That week and on first inspection this appeared to be a week for potential decent, if not, fabulous performances. It is now 6:26 on Saturday evening and I am comtemplating tonight's events. The song choices leave much to be desired. Danyl's does anyway. He is singing 'Your Song' by Elton John, a predictable ballad that I'm sure he will sing standing/wandering in an effort to appear-less-cocky. So tonight we are faced with hip-wiggling (fine by me), 'fanks' (bored now), drawn out notes, warbling (Joe) (I know he's good but whatever) and poor singing quality whilst winking at Cheryl. Holy Crap.

8:00. Titles.

Dermot enters the stage but not before giving the audience his signature/annoying salute. He gets himself slightly tongue-tied when introducing the judges. How embarrassing. Is it time for Jedward to take over yet?

Danyl begins the show with what we have all been waiting for; he is going to bust some moves. This, indeed, makes my beginning paragraph seem silly (I apologise for my ignorance). Surely this choice of song did not need so much speculation as to whether he would be a competent enough dancer? He is a dance teacher, a DANCE TEACHER.
And boy does he get his groove on. I feel there is a distinct danger that Louis will be so overcome with excitement he will invade the stage and jump on Danyl. The performance was as 'camp as Christmas', as Cheryl describes it, and fabulous till the very end.

Enter Lloyd. If anyone needs a wee or even just to scream into a pillow, now is the time to do it. He is singing a ballad, presumably one that uses no more than three notes, because that's all you need really isn't it Cheryl?
I feel it necessary to close my eyes for the next three minutes and travel to the far-off distant place that is JedLand. (Ahh, much better).
Judges' comments. Louis feels it is necessary to make a snide comment that can in no way be described as constructive. Congratulations, Louis you have just won the battle for 'Most Pointless Human'.
I feel sorry for Lloyd, it's not his fault he can't sing.

Olly 'crotch thrusting' Murs is up. (Where has all the crotch thrusting gone anyway?). He sings a ballad and begins the performance sitting on the edge of the stage singing to a girl in the audience. She has her hand on his leg. GET YOUR MITS OFF HIM MISSY. What with Olly singing to her, Simon calling her 'cute', and Dermot commenting on her smile, that random girl in the audience has had more air time than Rachel Adedeji.

Geordie Joe. I like him, especially his accent, but I'm finding it slightly dull. Also, in my humble opinion, I wouldn't buy the kind of music he would make. However he again came out and gave an excellent performance, note perfect, all the judges gushed.

Stacey Solomon, the one for whom my opinions get me the most grief. I think it is important to point out that she went out of tune a few times in that performance as not one of the judges felt it necessary to do so. She seems like a lovely, genuine girl, and if that is what this programme is about then fine, she can win it. However, I have a feeling that it is about talent, and Stacey doesn't quite make the cut. GO ON SHOOT ME.

Voting lines are open. (Anyone now voting for Lloyd should not be allowed to own a phone).

Oh no. I forgot we had to endure Lloyd twice.
This time he's in morning dress, and is holding some kind of pimp stick. Again, the range is limited and still he manages to be out of tune for a substantial amount of time.

Its Danyl and he's back to what he does best. He performs 'Your Song' and I take back what I said at the beginning. Brilliant choice for him, bravo. They even managed to get three 'Jesus Lights' in there for good measure.

Olly. It is a boxing themed performance. Half-naked women keep walking back and forward across the stage holding signs reading 'Round 1' and so on. Finding it slightly surreal.

Joe, wow. That was top-notch I must admit. And not boring so I take my hat off to him.

Oh man, what am I going to be forced to say about Stacey now. She's singing 'Something About The Way You Look Tonight', and doing a rather good job. I still don't think performing is her strong point, but she has a very good voice. That and her personality will carry her through to the final.

So there you have it. Dermot will tell us he will see us tomorrow and it will all be over until then.
Roll Credits.

Saturday, 28 November 2009


There have been two more incredible interviews with the legend that is John and Edward.

First up we have a Holy Moly interrogation.

And lastly, on friday night Jedward appeared on The Late Late Toy Show. They were their usual lively selves and bounced around the set doing flips and walking on their hands- as you do. But there was one magical moment when John decided it would be a good idea to do the splits in tight silver trousers. As you can imagine, this decision backfired immediately with the cry of 'Oh shit! Er, I ripped my pants.' OH HOW WE LAUGHED.
Watch below, what a bloody corker.
(Pant ripping incident at 1:39)

Friday, 27 November 2009

Winners single. I am displeased.

Information has been leaked regarding the winners single. Apparently this year, the winner of the X Factor will be releasing Journey's 'Don't stop believing'. A song that Joe previously sung on Rock Week. Good choice? I'm not so sure. You would have thought this choice of song must be geared to Joe's victory. However last year the same thoughts were aroused when the winners single was chosen as 'Hallelujah' that Diana Vickers had previously sung in the competition. Alas, this did not aid her in the slightest as she was booted out of the competition in the semi-final.
Simon's second choice of song is apparently Miley Cyrus' 'The Climb'. Against my better judgement I must conclude that this would be a better choice. But only due to the necessary cheesey nature of the song which is so apt for an X Factor christmas number 1.

Thursday, 26 November 2009


If you are ever feeling a little low, just slap this on and it'll cheer you right up.
I don't want to enjoy it but I LITERALLY CANNOT AVERT MY EYES.


This week on JedWatch:

To kick off Jedward week, the boys were on GMTV early on monday morning. They were evidently excited about this and exclaimed 'were on GMTV guys!' (I wonder how many times Jedward have said the word 'guys' in their lifetime- probably even more times than I have watched their rendition of 'Oops I did it again'). They were also thrilled by the 'long couch' (bless 'em). I enjoyed Kates retort: 'It is a long couch'. Funny, if slightly patronising.

Watch the full interview below.

Next up was the turn of This Morning, with Phillip Schofield and X Factor's very own Holly Willoughby.
This is a must watch. Absolutely hilarious. Genius I tell you.
Their genuine shock and excitement at the wonder of seeing Holly both the night before and that morning. Their persistent shout-outs to 'the people that helped and supported' them. John's slip up when he accidently let slip that he wanted Stacey to win.
When asked what they are going to do in the future their reply was 'Well right now were doing This Morning', only John and Edward would state such an obvious fact. Another hilarious moment only to happen to John and Edward was when Johns microphone fell out of his pocket with an almighty crash.
All classic Jedward moments.
Watch below.

The twins have also appeared on Live From Studio Five but I have yet to find a video. As soon as I do it will be up here because that interview is also not one to be missed! What a corker.

Monday, 23 November 2009

In loving memory of John and Edward

Occasionally there comes a time when the whole country stops; the death of an important figure, a natural disaster, the election of the Prime Minister. Sunday 22nd of November saw another of those times, a day we will never forget. The night John and Edward went crashing out of the X Factor.

Sunday night saw John and Edward Grimes sharing the bottom two with previous favourite, Olly Murs. This was a disastrous situation for a die hard Jedward fan/want-er of Olly's babies like me. No matter what the result of the sing-off was, I would be left reeling with grief.
The twins kicked off the result with a rendition of Boyzones' 'No Matter What'. Admittedly the majority of the performance was out of tune, but then we expected nothing less. I feel a spectacularly bad ballad was the perfect, and most endearing way, to round off those adorable brother's journey through our hearts.

Olly Murs gave a good performance of 'Wonderful Tonight' by Eric Clapton and each of the judges (bar Jedward's mentor, Louis Walsh) voted to save him. Simon Cowell said he would miss the twins, and sounded genuinly sad. Cheryl blew them kisses. Dannii however took slightly longer over her decision, making an obvious point to Simon by asking the question 'Is this a singing contest that we are judging', presumably related to the fact that Cowell aided the defeat of both Rachel Adedeji and Lucie Jones by weaker vocalists Lloyd Daniels and John and Edward. She seemed to conclude that it was, in fact, a singing competition and sent John and Edward out of the competition.


I understand the reason the twins left the competition and I am not deluded enough to believe they should have stayed. However I, along with a huge mass of Jedward followers, feel genuinly devestated that John and Edward Grimes have left the competition. Never again will we see them bouncing around on a saturday night wearing lurid matching suits custom made by the primary school around the corner. Never again will we witness a dance routine involving blow-up Jedward heads, ghosts that look like they have been dropped straight out of an 80's Doctor Who episode and women in a bikini/tu-tu combo straddling the boys- the latter of which could only be described as perverse.

It is a great loss you must agree.
If however, you do not agree, and are one of the disgustingly behaved, idiotic creatures in the audience who relentlessly boo the poor twins then you should be ashamed of yourself. Even as John and Edward were given the news that they were leaving the competition members of the audience continued to taunt and boo. It shows how dignified and mature the brother's are, as they continued to smile and told Olly he 'deserved to go through'.  JOHN AND EDWARD I SALUTE YOU.

Hopefully we will see alot more of Jedward in the future. I will keep you up to date with my stalking results.
I will now be taking a week out for mourning.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Stacey 'theres always asda' Solomon

I have been thinking, recently, about what is it about Stacey Solomon that Britain has learned to so lovingly lap up. Is it her complete incompentence to hold a conversation, or perhaps the way she laughs after every sentence she utters, without fail.
I, along with the rest of the country, took an immediate liking to Stacey when she first entered our television screens back in September. However, after weeks of relentless 'Stacey-isms', I feel that she has brought a new meaning to the term 'ditzy'. It has become less about thinking 'Oh that Stacey, I do love her.' And more about laughing at her. To be completely honest it makes me cringe.
Therefore, from my point of view, I am interested to explore what it is about this Essex-born lady that the country finds so endearing.

Stacey Solomon is a 20 year old, single mother, from Essex. Perhaps the public feel she is easy to relate to, unlike many of the glamorous celebrities plastered over our media, maybe the public have latched onto this 'normal' girl that has managed to shoot to fame to aid their own insecurities. I can see a parallel with Cheryl Cole. She was from a working class background and managed to catch a break on a similar television talent show. She soon became the nations sweetheart, we all loved her for her sense of groundedness, for her beauty without the aid of cosmetic surgery and perhaps we all felt somewhat proud of her, as if she was doing it for all us boring, normal, ugly people.
I mean, no one looks at Vanessa Hudgens and thinks, 'Oh what a lovely, grounded, down-to-earth girl she is.' (At least I bloody dont). She is ridiculously attractive and has one of the most lusted after young men in the world on her arm. Cheryl Cole, however, is married to an somewhat rough, English football player who cheated on her.

Someone with a less than picture-perfect life and looks always manages to soar into our hearts with gusto.
However, in my opinion, Stacey's 'personality' finishes the moment she stops talking. When she is performing it is as if she has run out of the energy she needs to carry on her persona. She has a good voice, but that is where it seems to end. With such an incredible variety of talent this year surely there is not room for a winner who does not 'have it all'.


Wednesday, 18 November 2009

A bit of the Jedward magic.

I've come across this amazing interview Sky News has done of Jedward. If its possible I think I now love them and their bedazzled, matching suits even more. If you do not have time in your hectic lives to watch the entire 5 minutes and 22 seconds of pure Jedward magic then skip to 4:30 where John causes me to copiously chuckle out loud. 'What are you saying Steve...?'

P.S I wonder how many times you can use the word 'fun' in one interview.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Pinapples, rules, and Louis' ridiculous comments.

This X Factor weekend was an eventful one. Jam-packed with Louis' persistent rules regulations, the underdogs of the competition getting some much needed praise and celebrities interrupting performances with fruit on their heads.
Saturday night saw Olly with a broken finger (or 'almost a broken arm', as Simon would like it to be known), Jamie gaining even more criticism from Louis Walsh who of course knows everything there is to know about rock, being the manager of Westlife and Boyzone. Lloyd improved performance wise, but still gave the weakest performance of the night, while Joe took on a huge ballad and worked that X Factor lighting fabulously.

John and Edward rapped their way through Queen/Vanilla Ice's 'Under Pressure (Ice Ice baby)'. (Erm, rules Louis? Hypocrite much?). But as Simon said 'In Jedward land, that was your best performance yet', and I must say I am finding them more and more attractive every week. This worries me slightly. Stacey gave a very good vocal and recieved very good comments from the judges, but for me, I'm not quite sure what all the fuss is about. Danyl gave a fantastic rendition of 'We are the Champions' equipped with his signiture long note.

Also in saturday nights show was the peculiar spectacle of DJ, Calvin Harris, invading the stage during John and Edwards performance with a pinapple on his head. Apparently attempting to immitate their infamous hair.
He was asked to leave the studio and was not permitted to appear on the Xtra Factor where Nick Grimshaw was asked to take his place. It seems that the X Factor has taken the fruity display personally and are very angry about it. I, personally, found it incredibly funny. I mean HE HAD A PINAPPLE ON HIS HEAD FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Jedward were characteristically oblivious to the situation and carried on singing regardless, even throwing in a nice little man hug. Calvin Harris then exited the stage but not before giving John (probably?) a slap on the bottom.

Sunday night saw Jamie 'Afro' and Lloyd in the bottom two. (My personal predictions may I just say!)
Louis set himself up for what was inevitable by saying before either contestent had performed that he would make his decision on who he thought would improve the most throughout the competition. Dannii (rightfully so) gave him an inquizitive look before saying 'Well for me its just who sings the best.' Well done Miss Minogue, you are soaring in our expectations with every word you utter.
Jamie gave, what I perceived to be, his best performance yet with Queens 'The show must go on'. Lloyd sang a song well suited to his voice (mostly due to the lack of range)- 'Last Request' by Paolo Nutini.
Just as expected Cheryl and Simon saved their own acts while Louis saved Lloyd and Dannii saved Jamie, taking the vote to 'getting-a-bit-boring' deadlock. I was mildly shocked to find that Jamie had received the lowest number of votes from the public and so was knocked out of the competition.
I am not going to be hypocritical and blame Lloyd for Jamies exit (just as I didnt blame Jedward for Lucie's)
I blame Louis Walsh.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Are we missing something here?

To begin this post I think first everyone should watch this interview of Lucie Jones by 'Holy Moly'.

Firstly, I would like to bring your attention to the apparent change in Lucie's whole demeanor. She is confident, funny, honest and bolshy. My own personal opinions on what she has to say I will leave out for the time being. Whilst exploring in more depth the footage that we are shown and in what light the contestants are portrayed during the show i began to consider the idea that we are not getting a true representation of the personalities of these young people.

Lucie Jones has been portrayed by the producers of the programme to be quiet, shy and girly with a slight incompetance to hold an adult conversation. Now that she has left the competition and is released from under the thumb on Simon Cowell she appears to have a change in personality. Most likely her natural personality that had been stunted for the duration of her time on the show.
If you look at her fellow contestent in the girls category, Stacey 'there's always Asda' Solomon; her and Lucie are polar opposites (or according to how the producers would like us to perceive them).
Rachel Adedeji was recently booted out of the competition and accused of being 'boring', possibly because she did not receive nearly as much airtime as many of the other contestents. Rachel is said to think viewers were being asked to put themselves in the camp of one or the other girl (referring to Lucie or Stacey) Rachel said: 'At the beginning, I don't think viewers knew who I was. They knew I was this girl who liked to sing and that's all.'

Are we, as the public, being decieved into favouring a particular contestent.
I am by no means suggesting the X Factor is 'fixed', as is persistently claimed every year, I am merely investigatating the possibilities. Whether or not the winner of the show had been chosen before anyone ever appeared on our screens is for you to decide for yourselves.

(There will be a follow on from this post, involving many of the other contestents and exploring the ways in which we may not being seeing them in their true light)

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Louis gives us the V's

Sitting in my living room on sunday night with a couple of friends, feet up on the couch, I noticed out of the corner of my eye something that caused me to double-take. Did Louis Walsh just put two fingers up to the crowd?! We rewound the show a few seconds (thanks to the wonders of delayTV) and watched the moment again. Yes, I do believe that was Louis Walsh gives the V's to the booing audience.

This act of defiance was in response to the crowd's booing after John and Edwards performance. To be perfectly honest, I would have done the same. The crowds insistent booing every time Jedward are even mentioned is ridiculous and just shows the audience to be ignorant and nasty.
Louis has since apologised.


This was not the only outburst from Mr Walsh last weekend. In saturday nights show he had a slight run in with host, Dermot O'Leary.
Louis described contestent, Joe McElderry as a bit more musical theatre than popstar, and Dermot replied he thought Joe was, in fact, 'a well rounded popstar'.
Louis bit back, 'Your not a judge Dermot, I'm a judge.' The situation was evidently getting slightly heated. In response Dermot said, 'I think the audience are the real judges.'

Also on saturday night Louis Walsh said in response to the Prime Ministers declaration that John and Edward 'weren't very good' that 'Simon and Gordon Brown have one thing in common- both know nothing about music.'
Simon Cowell said to Louis at the end of saturdays show: 'Tonight you have offended our Prime Minister and the British public. I think you should apologise.'

So Louis' been a touch grouchy this week. Hopefully he'll be back to his cheerful, meaningless comment giving, strange clapping self next week.

Monday, 9 November 2009

OH Simon

Week five's results show brought a whole new meaning to the phrase 'shock result'. The public are in uproar and hoping that Simon Cowell has woken up this morning, in his gold plated, silken bed, feeling rather ashamed of himself. This, however, is extremely unlikely.

Last night the public chose both John and Edward, known to most as 'Jedward', and 'voice-of-an-angel' Lucie Jones as their least favourite contestents, putting them both slap bang in the bottom two.
As both contestents came onto the stage 'singing for possibly the last time in the competition' the entire country were awaiting the moment where we would be forced to say goodbye to those imfamous twins. Some may have felt sad about this- never again would we see those two baby-faced 18 year olds with gel in their hair giving them at least another point onto their BMI, crawling through the legs of two bikini-clad women, or singing and dancing out of time in a way that only Jedward can.
I, for one, felt a great sense of loss.
Their performance was, admittedly, mediocre (but then we expected nothing less). Lucie came out and belted a rendition of 'One Moment in Time' awarding her a standing ovation from mentor Dannii Minogue.
When the moment came for the judges to vote, most of the country were sitting at home waiting for the inevitable to happen. A large number probably thinking 'at last, the time has come to banish those dreadful twins from our TV screens.'
They were wrong, however. Louis told Lucie she should not have been in the bottom two but chose to save his own act just as expected. Dannii did not feel the need to drag the moment out and merely named her own act to save. Cheryl told the twins she always enjoyed watching them but chose Lucie to stay in the competition.
Then it was Simons turn. After weeks and weeks of slating John and Edward, repeatedly telling them they 'cant sing' and referring to them as 'horrors', the public would have expected him to stand by this previous judgement and take his chance to send them out of the competition. Simon has been quoted as saying it would be a disaster if they won and he would 'leave the country'. Surely after his much displayed dislike of the boys this was the moment they would be sent home.
But no, Simon said he did not think either act could win and if he had to pick one act he would rather see again he 'would have to pick the boys'. He then decided he would vote to send Lucie home and take the vote to deadlock.
Lucie put her head in her hands as Dermot was given that dreaded silver envelope holding the much anticipated result. 'The person leaving the competition is........ (long pause for dramtic effect) Lucie.'
She began to cry and John and Edward looked shocked and upset as the audience booed.


The question is, was Simon's voting tactical or was he genuine when he said he did not believe either act to be possible winners so he put through the act he would rather see in next weeks show?
On the Xtra Factor later on, Simon said, 'You make a decision right in that moment. If you think it is someone who can win, you do the right thing'.
A record 16.6 millions viewers watched as Lucie crashed out of the competition on Simons command and a staggering number of complaints were written in. The X Factor website has experienced technical difficulties due to the sheer multitude of comments coming in regarding Simon's decision.

I believe Simon to be a very clever man, and there are reasons and thoughts behind every one of his actions. This year the X Factor has thrived off of the controversy surrounding it. It just so happens that John and Edward were the main recipricants of this controversy, so to see them leave the competition would be to see a huge mass of media attention fall away with them. Simon said 'I got a lot of stick for taking it to deadlock last week, and I'm going to do it again.' This suggests that Simon knows what keeps the viewers glued to their television screens; its the 'shock results' and uncertainty of the programme. By making a choice in that moment that he knows is going to have the majority of the countries press lapping it up, Simon can sit back and reap the benefits. For next week yet more viewers will be tuning in, and yet more votes will be cast due to the fear that now the X Factor is 'no longer a singing contest' their talented favourites will not make it to where they deserve to be.
Ingenious, I think you will agree. Whether or not you agree with the decision he made (I am sure if you are going by talent, every single human being in the country will not, in fact, agree with it), you cannot deny that you are talking about it. Simon Cowell does not care if the public like him or not, if he did he would hardly have created himself the persona of 'Mr Nasty'. He cares about making money. He is a money-making machine, and he is damn good at it.

I leave you with one question. Lucie could not have won the competition, just as John and Edward will not. So why does it matter? Lucie is out of the competition now, rather than in one or two weeks, does it really make that much of a difference?